wheat and chaff

I don't even know when I became a "woman of prayer" it was just suddenly as suddenly as how the first day of spring (not the calendar one) pops up breaking the rigorous disciplines of winter....you open the door bracing for the cold air and it's w a r m  and  b r e e z y.

I only know that this specific night I took enough NyQuil to kill a turkey (LOL) I was really sick and I just cant fall asleep if my nose is stuffy breathing through my mouth is not an option ...awake until maybe midnight I kept praying for my dear ones Antonio Arelis Miguel Ceu Nick Mom Simone Angelica Wanda Luana and Preethan and myself. Every time I prayed I was certain that in the end I would just fall asleep, it didn't happen. Instead I felt this sadness building up, these tears hot and fierce inside my heart. But I wasn't going to let them out.

Images of my mom's straight and long black hair dancing around her waist, her body so shapely in the blue and white polka dot halter top dress with a big red heart on the chest, that she herself made (made one for me and another for Eliane too) She was like a tiny Japanese looking doll, holding me by one child like hand and Eliane by the other as she walked us everyday in our way to and from school. On the road, along cat calls a small procession of cars and lots of honking didn't do anything for her (she knew she was beautiful but her heart belonged to daddy and to us, her kids) but that too passed one day...

Her sweet features kept playing in my mind only interrupted by another, that of Ceu's newborn baby crying with her pinkish face and tiny helpless delicate body...I have seen Ceu's beginning ....mom's best days, and now this little pink baby too... I'm getting old and seen so much...and so much will also pass...

Jesus warned us: life is like a vapor...so is beauty, and everything truly passes but His Words. So weird how now is already 4AM and here I am, entertained by old and new images and tears I could not restrain anymore, the Holy Spirit visited me and my room was in glory, sleeping was no longer an option, so I continued paying...but now was not just Ceu's new baby images in my mind, but it was humanity's newborns and humanity's helpless older bodies and different people and the sick and the emotions that come and go, and pretty faces and sad ones, and tears rolled.

The instability of things! How delicate and helpless not just newborns, life. Life is just so filled with uncertainty, new life and old life and in between alike. Life walks alongside with death. Is life filled with death, and in death there is life??? And then Joana my beautiful friend and the other short lady from church that would not pray for her to get healed but would pray for God to take her ... Wheat and chaff, brilliancy and idiocy, life and death and uncertainty...Yes thanks be to Him that life is like a vapor but Eternal Life is in His Presence. Anything else would be unbearable.